31 Days of Summer... or Moonlit Ramblings

The summer has passed by so quickly that I had to catch myself tonight as I realized that there are only 31 days left until I return to school. Don't get me wrong, September and the beginning of a new year always bring a smile and a warm excitement that only a teacher can have...but my carefree summer days are quite precious too. For the past year, my relationship with myself and others has been out of balance. My priorities have been skewed out of necessity and my mothering skills have been not quite up to par. The past month has brought a bit of solace, and bit of much needed personal space with which I have relished time to sit and think and ponder and just be. I have also had a lot of time to spend with Nina, and although it is mostly challenging and dreadfully humbling to be a mother of a two year old, it is also purely perfect. So perfect in fact that the thought of going back to work and not having snuggle time in the mornings makes me very sad (in a good way :). The past month has also allowed me to catch up on my reading and I keep slipping back into research mode and "how to better myself" mode.

So I pulled out two of my Waldorf teaching books this week in an attempt to heal some of the parenting mishaps that are upon us as of late. The beauty of re-reading these books is remembering the importance of RHYTHM and how we all thrive on it, and have since the beginning of time. Nina and I have had a really "rhythmically great" week together, sitting down for breakfast each morning together, baking and singing through the activities of the day. Steiner was so obsessed with the daily flow of life that he even assigned a grain and a color to each day of the week that symbolize different forces that work within us or different nutrients that we need. I'm not quite there yet...

Anyhoo... I often forget how simple and beautiful the rituals of life can be. Nina now asks for napkins on the table and helps make tea in the morning. She loves having something and someone to rely upon, as she should. Taking life into consideration and stepping back to provide this consistency for her (and also for myself) seems to be very healing. However iconic and idealistic it may sound, the peacefulness of these days feels like the way that it used to be when lives were simpler and less chaotic (Monday market day, Tuesday ironing, Wednesday wash day...etc.)It feels like a meaningful way to spend the summer...immersing ourselves in new rituals and making the daily chores and happenings beautiful and precious.. It's not perfect mind you...yesterday I couldn't wait for her nap and I couldn't wait for 5:00 to roll around so that I could drink my toddler-induced day away...but I'll keep trying! :)

That said...I'm starting a little project with myself tomorrow that I've entitled 31 Days of Summer. I'm hoping to try and create some lasting rituals and daily rhythms with Nina in order to "order" our lives a bit and bring some peace back into the household in honor of these last days of summer ...just simple, beautiful, small things ( some new, some that we've done before) that I'd love to integrate into each day in order to help us get back on track. :)

Summer Ritual # 1: The Beauty of Naptime - The peace on a child's face as they fall asleep is wonderful. Lately I've been taking more time to help Nina go to sleep in a quiet, harmonious way rather than throwing her in the crib and running for the door! :) We have a bit of lavender water that we wash our hands in before bed, and I stay just a little longer in the room as she falls asleep for her nap. I read my book in her chair and she falls asleep in her bed. The look that she has as she drifts off is most definitely one to hold on to forever. I will always be thankful for the time I've had to do this over the summer.

Nina's Second Year...in Retrospect

So the guilt surrounding my lack of blogging over the past year and my newly found free time has led me to try and post a few of the more memorable moments in Miss Nina Bea's second year...here we go!

The birthday girl surrounded by cupcakes-chocolate & from scratch...made by dad. She literally said "Cupcakes? With frosting?" every time someone mentioned her second birthday. Nina's words have been our biggest surprise in the past two or three months! She is quite the social one as we all know but her vocabulary and abilty to speak in full-on sentences never ceases to amaze us! It is so much fun to have these thought provoking conversations with our TWO year old...especially when she asks "Why?" :)

For A Minute There I Lost Myself...I Lost Myself

I used to listen to Radiohead...I used to paint...I used to spend hours in antique stores looking for chairs... baskets and that elusive armoir...I used to write poetry and bike to school every day. I used to buy only vintage Levi's and have people over for big fun parties. I used to wear Birkenstocks and wash my face every night before I went to bed. I used to love old houses so much that I would take pictures of their beautiful parts...like doorknobs! whenever I could. I used to hug trees and hike mountains...big ones...just for fun. Lately I've been focusing a lot on the I used to's and frankly it is magnificently depressing. I suppose this is part of getting older and forsaking some of these things for the "Now I have to's..." :) but it is also about remembering what made you feel happy and alive. My life now is just as full as it used to be...more full actually...and in better ways! Yet it is also subdued at times. Today I looked at this blog for the first time in many many months and was reminded that life will keep moving on no matter how YOU feel or what obstacles/challenges have crossed YOUR path. My life has shifted and fluxed and carved it's own silly path this year...and I've been very reluctant to share. But I should...and I should be thankful for the "Now I's" instead of the "I used to's". So here are the "Now I's..."for today:
Now I have the entire summer off to post rambling nonsense on my blog! :)
Now I have a beautiful two year old daughter...two years old! Eek! Where oh where did that year go?
Now I have a flourishing garden and am excited for mixed greens and homemade dressing all summer long!
Now I love watching different species of birds visit our feeder as Nina and I consult the bird chart..."yellow one" and "red head" are my faves ;)
Now I have been married for almost six years!
Now I love watching my mom and dad being grandparents...and my brothers being uncles.
Now I have toddler beds to search for and still...the elusive armoir!
Now I have a bike with a toddler seat on the back.
Now I have a sandbox to sit in and a maple tree to plant...
Now I am lucky and thankful for another day to remember, reflect and re-direct!

Here's to a beautiful summer filled with many "Now I's"!

Coast Trip & August Thunderstorms

Oooh...salty goodness!

Beachcombin'

Campfire stew with dad...

Life is good :)

Tonight the energy in Bend is intense with huge, crackling thunder and lightning streaks that light up the entire house. There is this energy about that feels like a metaphor for our life these days...building, building, building and then BAM! We are feeling like we have a lot of choices to make right now, without all of the answers. After a peaceful,contemplative trip to the coast for our five year anniversary, we came home to many realities...
It is with a bittersweet hope that I clumsily decided to list our home For Sale last Thursday. We've had some response so far, and we are grateful for the interest (especially in this market) but saddened to think that we may be moving. As I always say, "What's meant to be, will happen"...and it is with this sentiment that John, Nina and I must look toward the next step...the next chapter of our lives together. I am so excited for John to pursue his nursing degree, and I know that in the end we will make our situation work, no matter what. Who knows, we may even get to build our eco-home someday :) For now, we will leave it up to the fates, and do our best to stay positive for what is just another of life's many transition periods. I have to believe that the "boom-booms" (what Nina and I call the thunder) and rain falling, are good signs and good energy with which we are reminded that these small problems we face today are nothing more but a step on our path, a bump in the road, and that ultimately...life is good :)

Hmmm...

I was faced with a dilemma today that touched my heart and saddened me. I've been thinking about it all day, and I'm still at a loss for what meaning I will choose to take from this. This afternoon, as Nina and I left Costco (of all places...the pit of human existence, the big box store), I was feeling very proud of myself for staying on budget and not spending all of the cash I had set aside for the trip. As I exited the parking lot, feeling my extra $10 burning a hole in my pocket, I contemplated going to Starbucks for an iced coffee (the other pit of human existence) but again reminded myself that we are trying not to spend ANY extra these days, and I could make an iced coffee at home if I truly wanted one. ANYWAY, as I pulled to the intersection my eyes fell upon a woman, homeless with two children and a small sign that said, "I recently lost my job...anything would help." I felt a pang of guilt and smiled strongly and with my true heart...right into her eyes, as I passed. "Things will get better for you," I tried to say to her telepathically. I realized that before when I had passed someone panhandling, I always reacted this same way, out of pity and empathy, but today I acted this way out of sheer realization that this could be me, or any of us, at any time. You just never know. My heart told me to take my $10, buy her some sort of food and return quickly before she and her children had left, but for some reason, my brain kept driving, selfishly holding onto that $10 for my own family. When did I become this protective? Is this ok, it is ok to become cynical and selfish and protective because we are scared about our own future...or is it in the giving and charity to others that we are ultimately rewarded. I used to believe the latter, but now I feel so nervous about my own future...that I am obviously more reluctant to give. Scary what the world can do to us. What would you have done? Hmmm...

Mothering

John and Neens at Mc Kay Park in the Deschutes ...July 09

When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was excited and nervous about the process...but ultimately ok with the notion of raising a child. I thought that all of my experiences thus far with teaching, nannying, etc. would make it so much easier to be a mother myself. Um...not so much. This is truly the hardest job, responsibility, undertaking that I have could have ever fathomed taking on. And yet in the simplest of moments it has taken my breath away and held me captive...Nina drives me crazy on a daily basis but she makes me want to keep on trying just the same. Today we brought out my old beeswax crayons and she/we drew her first picture together. I don't know why this meant so much to me...but it made me step back and say, this is me now...this is the beautiful job that I am priveleged to have ...I get to teach her all about the world. I get to help her notice things, to draw, to see colors, to feel that the river is cold and touch bumpy avocados and taste orange juice for the first time. Oh my, what a job, what a crazy, wonderful, tiring job this mothering is. I know now that the only way to get better at this, is to laugh (or curse) and try again tomorrow. :)

Seven Months Later

As I looked over older posts tonight I realized what a lousy excuse of a blogger I am...I think what really happened seven months ago when I logged my last blog entry, was that I discovered facebook!! Ah the ruin! Anyway, I am inspired once again to document my life in these oh so uncertain times. I am inspired by my friend Shalet (who is really not that peculiar) and my sister in law, Lisa, to keep on bloggin'. Thanks girls! The past seven months have brought change (turned 30..eek!), peril (John lost his job) and joy...Nina is growing and developing at lightning speed! I love being a mama, but it is hard work and I am utterly overwhelmed at how much can happen in a span of seven short months. As of late, I am thankful for time away from school to pause, reflect and redirect our life. John is working so hard, going to school and trying to chart his course. We are living in the moments, and trying to be thankful for all that we have...just watching the lettuce grow, Nina's hair lighten in the summer sun and the chickens peck about the yard, are my happinesses (word?) these days. I loved spending time with my family at Tahoe and being with friends in San Jose, but right now I really need to be present here at home, with our little nuclear unit. It is together that we will make it through the unknowns that are consuming us. Thanks for reminding me of this Cat! So until the next time, I will try to savor corn on the cob, my daughter in her fairy dress saying "ow" and my husband proudly staining the new sandbox. Happy Summer my friends...love to all!