Hmmm...

I was faced with a dilemma today that touched my heart and saddened me. I've been thinking about it all day, and I'm still at a loss for what meaning I will choose to take from this. This afternoon, as Nina and I left Costco (of all places...the pit of human existence, the big box store), I was feeling very proud of myself for staying on budget and not spending all of the cash I had set aside for the trip. As I exited the parking lot, feeling my extra $10 burning a hole in my pocket, I contemplated going to Starbucks for an iced coffee (the other pit of human existence) but again reminded myself that we are trying not to spend ANY extra these days, and I could make an iced coffee at home if I truly wanted one. ANYWAY, as I pulled to the intersection my eyes fell upon a woman, homeless with two children and a small sign that said, "I recently lost my job...anything would help." I felt a pang of guilt and smiled strongly and with my true heart...right into her eyes, as I passed. "Things will get better for you," I tried to say to her telepathically. I realized that before when I had passed someone panhandling, I always reacted this same way, out of pity and empathy, but today I acted this way out of sheer realization that this could be me, or any of us, at any time. You just never know. My heart told me to take my $10, buy her some sort of food and return quickly before she and her children had left, but for some reason, my brain kept driving, selfishly holding onto that $10 for my own family. When did I become this protective? Is this ok, it is ok to become cynical and selfish and protective because we are scared about our own future...or is it in the giving and charity to others that we are ultimately rewarded. I used to believe the latter, but now I feel so nervous about my own future...that I am obviously more reluctant to give. Scary what the world can do to us. What would you have done? Hmmm...