Hmmm...

I was faced with a dilemma today that touched my heart and saddened me. I've been thinking about it all day, and I'm still at a loss for what meaning I will choose to take from this. This afternoon, as Nina and I left Costco (of all places...the pit of human existence, the big box store), I was feeling very proud of myself for staying on budget and not spending all of the cash I had set aside for the trip. As I exited the parking lot, feeling my extra $10 burning a hole in my pocket, I contemplated going to Starbucks for an iced coffee (the other pit of human existence) but again reminded myself that we are trying not to spend ANY extra these days, and I could make an iced coffee at home if I truly wanted one. ANYWAY, as I pulled to the intersection my eyes fell upon a woman, homeless with two children and a small sign that said, "I recently lost my job...anything would help." I felt a pang of guilt and smiled strongly and with my true heart...right into her eyes, as I passed. "Things will get better for you," I tried to say to her telepathically. I realized that before when I had passed someone panhandling, I always reacted this same way, out of pity and empathy, but today I acted this way out of sheer realization that this could be me, or any of us, at any time. You just never know. My heart told me to take my $10, buy her some sort of food and return quickly before she and her children had left, but for some reason, my brain kept driving, selfishly holding onto that $10 for my own family. When did I become this protective? Is this ok, it is ok to become cynical and selfish and protective because we are scared about our own future...or is it in the giving and charity to others that we are ultimately rewarded. I used to believe the latter, but now I feel so nervous about my own future...that I am obviously more reluctant to give. Scary what the world can do to us. What would you have done? Hmmm...

Mothering

John and Neens at Mc Kay Park in the Deschutes ...July 09

When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was excited and nervous about the process...but ultimately ok with the notion of raising a child. I thought that all of my experiences thus far with teaching, nannying, etc. would make it so much easier to be a mother myself. Um...not so much. This is truly the hardest job, responsibility, undertaking that I have could have ever fathomed taking on. And yet in the simplest of moments it has taken my breath away and held me captive...Nina drives me crazy on a daily basis but she makes me want to keep on trying just the same. Today we brought out my old beeswax crayons and she/we drew her first picture together. I don't know why this meant so much to me...but it made me step back and say, this is me now...this is the beautiful job that I am priveleged to have ...I get to teach her all about the world. I get to help her notice things, to draw, to see colors, to feel that the river is cold and touch bumpy avocados and taste orange juice for the first time. Oh my, what a job, what a crazy, wonderful, tiring job this mothering is. I know now that the only way to get better at this, is to laugh (or curse) and try again tomorrow. :)

Seven Months Later

As I looked over older posts tonight I realized what a lousy excuse of a blogger I am...I think what really happened seven months ago when I logged my last blog entry, was that I discovered facebook!! Ah the ruin! Anyway, I am inspired once again to document my life in these oh so uncertain times. I am inspired by my friend Shalet (who is really not that peculiar) and my sister in law, Lisa, to keep on bloggin'. Thanks girls! The past seven months have brought change (turned 30..eek!), peril (John lost his job) and joy...Nina is growing and developing at lightning speed! I love being a mama, but it is hard work and I am utterly overwhelmed at how much can happen in a span of seven short months. As of late, I am thankful for time away from school to pause, reflect and redirect our life. John is working so hard, going to school and trying to chart his course. We are living in the moments, and trying to be thankful for all that we have...just watching the lettuce grow, Nina's hair lighten in the summer sun and the chickens peck about the yard, are my happinesses (word?) these days. I loved spending time with my family at Tahoe and being with friends in San Jose, but right now I really need to be present here at home, with our little nuclear unit. It is together that we will make it through the unknowns that are consuming us. Thanks for reminding me of this Cat! So until the next time, I will try to savor corn on the cob, my daughter in her fairy dress saying "ow" and my husband proudly staining the new sandbox. Happy Summer my friends...love to all!