elsa gray

Today, the 16th of September, marks one year since the day that we found out our sweet Elsa was on the way. She is now nearly 16 weeks old! My oh my...the time does fly! A few years back, humbled and stymied and stuck in a rut in Bend, I never could have imagined the path that our little family has taken over the past year. My last entry spoke to "the sustenance of us"; it was all I could do to just to maintain last year as we tumbled through life in Flag. Yet now that the storm of that year has cleared...hear we are, and we are okay. Thanks in part to Miss Elsa Gray. So here is the story of her birth...mostly written for her mama to remember and also to honor this special little bean that chose us to be her family.

For Elsa (written 6/8/12) - The thing that I will always remember about waiting for you to arrive, is the flowers. They started to appear in early May with beautiful BIG blossoms on the fruit trees of Flagstaff. Then came the lilacs, as they always do in our life...purple, white and pink. Next to arrive were the irises - just outside our bedroom in this tiny purple house that we brought you home to. Lilacs and irises have followed us from home to home and they bloomed to welcome you! The last flower to bloom before you came into our world, was the rose - brilliant and bright, climbing up the stone wall of our house - life and beauty to warm and soften our dry, high desert existence. Just like you, sweet Elsa, have softened our lives as we enter one of the most stressful times that our family has had to endure...you are truly our shining, soft light at the end of a crazy tunnel!

As we waited for you, the days kept accumulating! Gigi arrived for Daddy's graduation on May 10th and I truly believed that you would arrive just a few days later. On the 17th, we hastily made a cast of my belly, as we did with Nina, ceremoniously expecting your arrival the next day on the 18th. Ha! You would have none of that. You were SO not ready to leave the womb and so we waited...and waited. Your Gigi was such a trooper. She stayed for three weeks before you decided to make an entrance! On Tuesday, May 29th we went to see the doctor...I was a week overdue and EVERYONE was getting nervous about your size! Yet you made no sign of wanting out. With fears of you having shoulder dystocia like your big sis we were guided against our better judgement into an induction. Blah! We went in on the morning of the 30th with tears in our eyes. I did not want to take any chance in harming you, but at the same time I was fundamentally against it...I will never forget that. Yet once we got there and things got started my fear and frustration turned to excitement knowing that you would be here soon.  We worked all day to help you come out and in the end it was to no avail! You were just not ready and we couldn't force you...even with drugs! So at 10:00 pm and 5cm we called it quits and went to bed...mommy got to have you in my belly for one more night. :) I meditated on you that night and rested and wished for you to arrive the next day...the last day in May.  This calmed me and we woke to a change in attitude, blue skies and an air of positivity with which to hopefully welcome you.  We started again and I focused all of my energy on you. I labored throughout the morning and afternoon with Daddy and Gigi by my side. At 3:30 my water was broken and after that things moved quickly. Everything was SO intense...a completely different experience than birthing your sis. You were headstrong my dear...literally! They called in the whole team to assist as we all thought you might be HUGE, but instead you were perfect. Two pushes and your 9 lb. 7 oz. self slid into the world. I held you to me and spoke your beautiful name - Elsa -for the first time! You were dark haired and looked a little bit like Nina, but different...your own little soul. Daddy stood to one side and Gigi to the other...and they each held you and loved you. After that long, long wait we were ALL so happy to meet you...our little May flower.

Sustinere

Strange as it may seem, and mostly due to my growing belly, I have been blogging quite a bit...in my mind...as I lay restless in bed at 3 or 4 in the morning. I always intend to post these thoughts, especially because they seem so very compelling at that hour of the morning, but alas the first two weeks of the year have gone by and I continue to just mind-blog in order to get back to sleep. :) The days as they always seem to ...ARE FLYING BY! I was thankful to say goodbye to 2011 and am genuinely excited and ready for all that is to come in this new year. January 3rd brought with it an ultrasound of the newest bean and the reality of our pending life change, as well as an impetus to change the title of this blog. I can no longer just "blog Nina" and it seems that this is really MY venting place, so it should be renamed appropriately! :) A friend of mine in Bend chose a word to start her year, and I can appreciate the meaning behind it.  I too feel that I must define this year with a name...as it seems to be full of promise and change. And so...a name has hatched out of pleasant memory and solid meaning ...sustinere. I love this word. It just rolls off of your tongue. It is both structural and soulful at the same time. In short definition it means to "hold up", "endure" or "sustain". As of late, this completely defines my presence on this earth, and I suppose that of most mothers/women everywhere. It is our daily joy/burden/love/ache to endure that which we are given and sustain ourselves and our families no matter where we are or what we face. This is not meant to be negative, rather life affirming and powerful, as there is a strength and a beauty associated with sustaining humanity.  Anyhow, I came across this word many years ago on a jaunt to the Methow Valley ( one of my secret favorite places). It was the name of their local magazine/journal and I picked it up on a free stand in a coffee shop. Inside the natural paper pages were simple drawings of homemade compost bins, watercolors of families in the community and colored pencil sketches of green-built structures in the North Cascades. It was this little slice of heaven in a community publication, and I have held onto it ever since. I always come across it when I am sorting through journals and scraps of saved papers and pictures from previous years...I do this every January...and this year I thought that I would shamefully steal the title for my own family and self.
So here we go...our little family of nearly four is starting out the year in much the same fashion that we started out last year. We have no idea where we will be in six months! :) John starts his third and final semester on Tuesday and my job will most likely end March 1st. We are hoping he can slide into a new grad position at St. Charles and return to Bend...but based on their current hiring this does not look promising. So...we are considering extending the adventure and looking at new places to live/explore while he "gains experience". We shall see... In any event it makes life anything but dull and we are committing ourselves to give in to the unknown and just enjoy our time and space here in Flag.  Today we are off to the Grand Canyon for Free National Parks Day...and a little road trip. Looking forward to a picnic by the rim, scaling the stairs at the Watchtower and a beautiful day hike in our 50 degree January weather. This is what will sustain us today...and build memories of our time here in Arizona.

It Is the Best of Times...It is the Worst of Times

 Hiking at the Pit

 Evening bike ride through campus with the SF peaks in the background

 Fall hike on Humphreys

 Butterfly in front of our fireplace (only heat source for our funky lil house)

Mama and Nina in search of WATER... a small pond on Schultz pass

It has been a little over four months since we landed here among this small slice of juniper, pine and aspen trees in Northern Arizona. So similar to Bend...yet so amazingly (and refreshingly) different. In June as I left our home of some ten years I was looking forward to a change...ready for adventure, and possibly ready to reinvent myself as well as my family.  I had hopes of embarking on some beautifully documented year-long project, but alas just staying afloat has been the project. :) We did embark on a nine month project I suppose as we are quickly headed into the world of parenting two little beings rather than one. So...the adventure is there, but not in the exotically exciting form that I had imagined. John, Nina and I live in a little stone house with purple exterior paint on the southside of this old, funky, trying to be hip little mountain train town. Our neighbors span the spectrum from the tamale lady who visits our screen door every now and then selling her yumminess to the drunk bum that sometimes shares our recycling to the car smasher to the neighborhood skunk to the beautiful gospel singing women that occupy the church across the street. We are blessed with a diversity of cultures that we didn't have in Bend and for that I am awoken and alive...
Each day we each go our respective ways...John to his demanding coursework at our large hospital/trauma center at the top of San Francisco street...he rides his bike most days unless its snowing. I to my little Head Start world where each child brings out a part in me that I never knew I possessed. And Nina...sweet Nina goes to her beloved co-op...at the local art magnet school. She comes home speaking of riparian zones and watercolor techniques! It is a strange transient place that we have plunked down into, as so many people and students come and go here...but we are trying to carve out a place for ourselves in the community. I always feared "being seen" in Bend, as each public event brought about meetings and greetings by the dozen...yet I miss it now. We went to an event downtown last week and didn't know a single soul! We reflect on Bend quite a bit these days...the best of it and the worst of it and wonder if we will indeed get back to it as soon as we had intended to???  If anything, four months in Flag has made us appreciate how well we have lived and how fortunate we have been for the past ten years.  It has also made us realize how many other wonderful places are out there and how easy it is to get stuck in a rut if life is easy...we needed this challenge in order to better appreciate each other, our family and our selves. We have six moths left until John graduates...exactly...it will be May 11. I do not know what those months will bring, but it is with hope and gratitude that I wish to seize them and learn from them, as I find out what this experience is truly meant to teach us. Oh and I desperately, desperately miss the Deschutes...I hope that my Bend friends are thankful EVERY day for our river and water!

The Memory Ward(en)

As we tumble our way slowly south, the weeks and days are fading into each other. I am careful to check my calendar to make sure that it is in fact Saturday, as I have fallen into a lazy mode waiting for my life in Arizona to unfold. We are not there yet, as we have graciously been offered room and board by my parents until a dog-friendly abode can be secured. Changes in plans always seem to occur at the worst possible time...and yet there is always a reason behind them. This one I will choose to be for the better, as I am relishing time spent among family and the support that they offer to the bean. And so I accept the feelings of not knowing, because I am okay with the making of memories. Each day that we spend in my parents' homes we are making memories. Whether they are as simple and powerful as the sensory memories that lake water and lavender will later evoke in my daughter or as healing as returning to Three Springs after the burglary...all will be important.  New memories of kayaks and carsickness will bring humor as we continue on, but the wounds of the screen that is still broken here in San Jose and the momentary fears as we set an alarm that we have never set in the 25 years we have occupied this space, will be etched on our hearts for awhile.  As strange as it may seem,  as I write this I am thankful that the things that were taken here were just things. The people who broke into this house did not take the smell of the honeysuckle near the garage, they did not take the photos of generations of family that line the staircase, nor did they erase the pencil heights lovingly recorded inside the pantry door. These are the "things" that are home, and they have not been stolen. For this I am eternally grateful. As I walk around this house I realize how many "things" that are valuable to us are not mere possessions...they are memory producers...and we have become the memory wardens, their protectors. We will hold them in our minds no matter what happens to this home, this stuff. They are permanent.

Lately, I also feel grateful and lucky for the ability to still make memories. The past four days have woven together some interesting life realizations between my own experiences and John's in Flag. We are living these completely separate lives, yet the crossing of events keeps us connected...as much as possible.  Wednesday was my grandmother's 85th birthday...she is slowly losing her ability to make memories as the dementia worsens and creeps in on all of us. We accept it, yet wonder how something so devastating can take over so fully. We have become the memory reminders. John too...as he attends his clinical in the memory ward at the assisted living facility has become a memory reminder and a caregiver to repetition.  Through it all we must protect and care for this great life and these moments that turn into our experiences and essentially our memories of this short short time that we have. I am so thankful for my family, my health and my ability to remember. No matter what the past may remind us of...it is what has shaped us thus far, and made us who we are. I am looking forward to arriving in Flag and to the making of new memories with my family.

It Takes A Village

They say that it takes a village to raise a child and I wholeheartedly agree.  It also appears that in our case, it takes a village to properly finish household projects. :) Last summer, over beer, John and I decided that it would be great to carve out a little space next to the sandbox for Nina to play and for us to sit and ponder our days away. John lovingly dug and dug...but alas fall came and the checkbook was bare. No wall or patio ...yet. This past weekend, spurred by our imminent move and fear of liability to renters, he and our awesome friend of a friend and professional, Brian, knocked out patio and wall in a matter of hours.  The finished product is a place that I would love to be able to love and soften all summer. My instant thoughts went to what little trees and plants and vines I could surround the stone with. Butterfly bush ad maples, daisies and black-eyed susans leaning over to catch the late sun as my daughter's sandy feet dangle. Mmmm... Alas, I will have to wait, as this space will not be ours again until next year. And so it sinks in that I will not be here to plant my garden, tend my chickens or prune the lilacs next year...and yet it is okay. Leaving is actually making me appreciate how simple and good our little life here has been. I am so thankful for this time and this space that we have made.  We are called to more important endeavors than building a fence or adopting worms from a neighbor, and I must honor that. Most importantly I must honor that I am needed elsewhere...to be a support to others rather than just a lazy schoolteacher looking forward to summer days.  I am needed as a daughter and a wife and a mother right now.  It is in that giving that I will grow while I am away, just as my garden will grow while I am away. Please keep my mom in your thoughts this week...

Red Flag - Our Year Ahead

I think that I could be a real, true-blue blogger if I only had to post once every six months. It is hard to be diligent about sharing information with others, when one doesn't have a clue themselves as to what is going on in their own life!  As a family, we have been living in a world of uncertainty for many years now. Job changes, parenting, housing struggles, etc.  As of late, I feel like our life has been in this cruel holding pattern of sorts as John has painstakingly finished each of the pre-reqs needed for nursing school. As he applied, our questioning intensified, and yet still no answers to the... Where will we go's? When will we go's? and ultimately the WILL WE GO?  So...as February approached and the thought of all our work and waiting being for naught, we courageously headed down to Flagstaff, Arizona to meet our fate head on. We found out the second morning there that we had chosen wisely, as John was told in person that he had in fact gotten in to NAU's program. Thank f#$%ing goodness! (sorry Aunt Mary) It was both unreal and then dreadfully, earth shatteringly REAL all at the same time. We have wanted out of this life, this job and this stagnancy for so long, and now...oh my...we got what we wanted. The overwhelming sense that change is imminent and that in this case it has the potential to be a very good thing has only now really sunk in as we are amidst moving boxes, letters of resignation and leaves of absences. And so we are off to Flagstaff, AZ for one year.  A year of hard work. A year of simplicity. A year of change. A year of soul searching. A year of adventure. This trip is a red flag for us in many regards.  We have not been living well in Bend. By that I do not mean that we do not have the means to live well, I mean that we have much, but choose to not be thankful for it and celebrate it. It has become hard to live within the confines of the expectations that we have placed on this place. I hope that we can go away and come home with a renewed sense of appreciation for Bend and for our life here. I hope that we can survive this 10 year itch and come home to a place that we still want to call HOME.  I am ultimately hopeful for this, but there is also a very profound reason that this "itch" MUST be scratched or we will GO INSANE! We are all in need of a little adventure, and a little test to our belief in ourselves to do great things. I think that the realities of life have stripped us of a bit of our spirit and I hope that we can regain that with a better sense of who we are, of our marriage and of our important roles as both parents and citizens of this world. Life can get so dark sometimes...but we must be able to see that there is HOPE and that new leaves can be turned over. I am viewing this time as our time to turn over that leaf...and hopefully not be swallowed up by whatever is underneath. I believe in John and I want him to be happy in his career. And so we go...I am devastated to leave my school, but change is good for us all.  I have needed something more for awhile now. I just need to work hard to recognize what that is. Some may say that we are complete idiots to leave jobs and health insurance and 5 minute commutes...but to what avail? We probably are quite stupid...but we have to look ahead too. There is no way that we can keep doing what we've been doing without shriveling up into a comatose existence.  We have to fight for MORE than this.  For our sake and for Nina's sake. Nina is AMAZING and resilient. She is the light...in so many ways. More than I could ever express on this silly blog. Anyway, we are off to Flagstaff...and are thankful to all of our friends and family for their support and  hours of advice and listening...even after being asked the same questions over and over again. We will miss you but be only as far away as you want us to be. Six weeks for John and two months for me until we are officially Arizonans for the next year. We are scared and excited...let the packing begin!

Happy Belated Turkey Day

Post Thanksgiving goodness...

family all together...missing Gary though!
YUMMY brined turkey
Nina and her Princess Pull-Ups... Oh my! Thought we had avoided these altogether, but alas Gigi opened her eyes to the world of Disney :)
Good friends, board games, kahlua and frangelico :)
UNCLE DAN!!
snowy mornings and swimming at the pool
two full days of break left
Big red globes on the tree downtown
Slippers
Walks in the woods
Nina blowing out all of the candles on mom's birthday cake!
"Mama, can I wake the jellybeans up now?"

I am thankful for friends and family near and far...Happy Belated Thanksgiving to you all!