Red Flag - Our Year Ahead

I think that I could be a real, true-blue blogger if I only had to post once every six months. It is hard to be diligent about sharing information with others, when one doesn't have a clue themselves as to what is going on in their own life!  As a family, we have been living in a world of uncertainty for many years now. Job changes, parenting, housing struggles, etc.  As of late, I feel like our life has been in this cruel holding pattern of sorts as John has painstakingly finished each of the pre-reqs needed for nursing school. As he applied, our questioning intensified, and yet still no answers to the... Where will we go's? When will we go's? and ultimately the WILL WE GO?  So...as February approached and the thought of all our work and waiting being for naught, we courageously headed down to Flagstaff, Arizona to meet our fate head on. We found out the second morning there that we had chosen wisely, as John was told in person that he had in fact gotten in to NAU's program. Thank f#$%ing goodness! (sorry Aunt Mary) It was both unreal and then dreadfully, earth shatteringly REAL all at the same time. We have wanted out of this life, this job and this stagnancy for so long, and now...oh my...we got what we wanted. The overwhelming sense that change is imminent and that in this case it has the potential to be a very good thing has only now really sunk in as we are amidst moving boxes, letters of resignation and leaves of absences. And so we are off to Flagstaff, AZ for one year.  A year of hard work. A year of simplicity. A year of change. A year of soul searching. A year of adventure. This trip is a red flag for us in many regards.  We have not been living well in Bend. By that I do not mean that we do not have the means to live well, I mean that we have much, but choose to not be thankful for it and celebrate it. It has become hard to live within the confines of the expectations that we have placed on this place. I hope that we can go away and come home with a renewed sense of appreciation for Bend and for our life here. I hope that we can survive this 10 year itch and come home to a place that we still want to call HOME.  I am ultimately hopeful for this, but there is also a very profound reason that this "itch" MUST be scratched or we will GO INSANE! We are all in need of a little adventure, and a little test to our belief in ourselves to do great things. I think that the realities of life have stripped us of a bit of our spirit and I hope that we can regain that with a better sense of who we are, of our marriage and of our important roles as both parents and citizens of this world. Life can get so dark sometimes...but we must be able to see that there is HOPE and that new leaves can be turned over. I am viewing this time as our time to turn over that leaf...and hopefully not be swallowed up by whatever is underneath. I believe in John and I want him to be happy in his career. And so we go...I am devastated to leave my school, but change is good for us all.  I have needed something more for awhile now. I just need to work hard to recognize what that is. Some may say that we are complete idiots to leave jobs and health insurance and 5 minute commutes...but to what avail? We probably are quite stupid...but we have to look ahead too. There is no way that we can keep doing what we've been doing without shriveling up into a comatose existence.  We have to fight for MORE than this.  For our sake and for Nina's sake. Nina is AMAZING and resilient. She is the light...in so many ways. More than I could ever express on this silly blog. Anyway, we are off to Flagstaff...and are thankful to all of our friends and family for their support and  hours of advice and listening...even after being asked the same questions over and over again. We will miss you but be only as far away as you want us to be. Six weeks for John and two months for me until we are officially Arizonans for the next year. We are scared and excited...let the packing begin!

Happy Belated Turkey Day

Post Thanksgiving goodness...

family all together...missing Gary though!
YUMMY brined turkey
Nina and her Princess Pull-Ups... Oh my! Thought we had avoided these altogether, but alas Gigi opened her eyes to the world of Disney :)
Good friends, board games, kahlua and frangelico :)
UNCLE DAN!!
snowy mornings and swimming at the pool
two full days of break left
Big red globes on the tree downtown
Slippers
Walks in the woods
Nina blowing out all of the candles on mom's birthday cake!
"Mama, can I wake the jellybeans up now?"

I am thankful for friends and family near and far...Happy Belated Thanksgiving to you all!

giving thanks

Things I am thankful for at 5:39 am on the first day of Thanksgiving break...

time
the promise of snow
nina & john snoring peacefully in our warm, little red house
coffee dripping
to-do lists
a friend's beautiful artwork on FB
cleaning out my e-mail
a visit from the brothers
chicken feathers growing back in thank goodness
three-legged dogs
the whoosh of the rake on many a pine needle
my daughter's preschool
persimmons

more to come...happy saturday!

31 Days of Summer... or Moonlit Ramblings

The summer has passed by so quickly that I had to catch myself tonight as I realized that there are only 31 days left until I return to school. Don't get me wrong, September and the beginning of a new year always bring a smile and a warm excitement that only a teacher can have...but my carefree summer days are quite precious too. For the past year, my relationship with myself and others has been out of balance. My priorities have been skewed out of necessity and my mothering skills have been not quite up to par. The past month has brought a bit of solace, and bit of much needed personal space with which I have relished time to sit and think and ponder and just be. I have also had a lot of time to spend with Nina, and although it is mostly challenging and dreadfully humbling to be a mother of a two year old, it is also purely perfect. So perfect in fact that the thought of going back to work and not having snuggle time in the mornings makes me very sad (in a good way :). The past month has also allowed me to catch up on my reading and I keep slipping back into research mode and "how to better myself" mode.

So I pulled out two of my Waldorf teaching books this week in an attempt to heal some of the parenting mishaps that are upon us as of late. The beauty of re-reading these books is remembering the importance of RHYTHM and how we all thrive on it, and have since the beginning of time. Nina and I have had a really "rhythmically great" week together, sitting down for breakfast each morning together, baking and singing through the activities of the day. Steiner was so obsessed with the daily flow of life that he even assigned a grain and a color to each day of the week that symbolize different forces that work within us or different nutrients that we need. I'm not quite there yet...

Anyhoo... I often forget how simple and beautiful the rituals of life can be. Nina now asks for napkins on the table and helps make tea in the morning. She loves having something and someone to rely upon, as she should. Taking life into consideration and stepping back to provide this consistency for her (and also for myself) seems to be very healing. However iconic and idealistic it may sound, the peacefulness of these days feels like the way that it used to be when lives were simpler and less chaotic (Monday market day, Tuesday ironing, Wednesday wash day...etc.)It feels like a meaningful way to spend the summer...immersing ourselves in new rituals and making the daily chores and happenings beautiful and precious.. It's not perfect mind you...yesterday I couldn't wait for her nap and I couldn't wait for 5:00 to roll around so that I could drink my toddler-induced day away...but I'll keep trying! :)

That said...I'm starting a little project with myself tomorrow that I've entitled 31 Days of Summer. I'm hoping to try and create some lasting rituals and daily rhythms with Nina in order to "order" our lives a bit and bring some peace back into the household in honor of these last days of summer ...just simple, beautiful, small things ( some new, some that we've done before) that I'd love to integrate into each day in order to help us get back on track. :)

Summer Ritual # 1: The Beauty of Naptime - The peace on a child's face as they fall asleep is wonderful. Lately I've been taking more time to help Nina go to sleep in a quiet, harmonious way rather than throwing her in the crib and running for the door! :) We have a bit of lavender water that we wash our hands in before bed, and I stay just a little longer in the room as she falls asleep for her nap. I read my book in her chair and she falls asleep in her bed. The look that she has as she drifts off is most definitely one to hold on to forever. I will always be thankful for the time I've had to do this over the summer.

Nina's Second Year...in Retrospect

So the guilt surrounding my lack of blogging over the past year and my newly found free time has led me to try and post a few of the more memorable moments in Miss Nina Bea's second year...here we go!

The birthday girl surrounded by cupcakes-chocolate & from scratch...made by dad. She literally said "Cupcakes? With frosting?" every time someone mentioned her second birthday. Nina's words have been our biggest surprise in the past two or three months! She is quite the social one as we all know but her vocabulary and abilty to speak in full-on sentences never ceases to amaze us! It is so much fun to have these thought provoking conversations with our TWO year old...especially when she asks "Why?" :)

For A Minute There I Lost Myself...I Lost Myself

I used to listen to Radiohead...I used to paint...I used to spend hours in antique stores looking for chairs... baskets and that elusive armoir...I used to write poetry and bike to school every day. I used to buy only vintage Levi's and have people over for big fun parties. I used to wear Birkenstocks and wash my face every night before I went to bed. I used to love old houses so much that I would take pictures of their beautiful parts...like doorknobs! whenever I could. I used to hug trees and hike mountains...big ones...just for fun. Lately I've been focusing a lot on the I used to's and frankly it is magnificently depressing. I suppose this is part of getting older and forsaking some of these things for the "Now I have to's..." :) but it is also about remembering what made you feel happy and alive. My life now is just as full as it used to be...more full actually...and in better ways! Yet it is also subdued at times. Today I looked at this blog for the first time in many many months and was reminded that life will keep moving on no matter how YOU feel or what obstacles/challenges have crossed YOUR path. My life has shifted and fluxed and carved it's own silly path this year...and I've been very reluctant to share. But I should...and I should be thankful for the "Now I's" instead of the "I used to's". So here are the "Now I's..."for today:
Now I have the entire summer off to post rambling nonsense on my blog! :)
Now I have a beautiful two year old daughter...two years old! Eek! Where oh where did that year go?
Now I have a flourishing garden and am excited for mixed greens and homemade dressing all summer long!
Now I love watching different species of birds visit our feeder as Nina and I consult the bird chart..."yellow one" and "red head" are my faves ;)
Now I have been married for almost six years!
Now I love watching my mom and dad being grandparents...and my brothers being uncles.
Now I have toddler beds to search for and still...the elusive armoir!
Now I have a bike with a toddler seat on the back.
Now I have a sandbox to sit in and a maple tree to plant...
Now I am lucky and thankful for another day to remember, reflect and re-direct!

Here's to a beautiful summer filled with many "Now I's"!

Coast Trip & August Thunderstorms

Oooh...salty goodness!

Beachcombin'

Campfire stew with dad...

Life is good :)

Tonight the energy in Bend is intense with huge, crackling thunder and lightning streaks that light up the entire house. There is this energy about that feels like a metaphor for our life these days...building, building, building and then BAM! We are feeling like we have a lot of choices to make right now, without all of the answers. After a peaceful,contemplative trip to the coast for our five year anniversary, we came home to many realities...
It is with a bittersweet hope that I clumsily decided to list our home For Sale last Thursday. We've had some response so far, and we are grateful for the interest (especially in this market) but saddened to think that we may be moving. As I always say, "What's meant to be, will happen"...and it is with this sentiment that John, Nina and I must look toward the next step...the next chapter of our lives together. I am so excited for John to pursue his nursing degree, and I know that in the end we will make our situation work, no matter what. Who knows, we may even get to build our eco-home someday :) For now, we will leave it up to the fates, and do our best to stay positive for what is just another of life's many transition periods. I have to believe that the "boom-booms" (what Nina and I call the thunder) and rain falling, are good signs and good energy with which we are reminded that these small problems we face today are nothing more but a step on our path, a bump in the road, and that ultimately...life is good :)