Valentines Day is over and done with but the sweet, simple heart garland that we made for a gathering of preschoolers at our home last week is still here. It is hanging in the space between our living room and kitchen and so forces us to walk beneath it every day. I love it. Every time I catch a glimpse of it, I smile. And smiles have been necessary as of late...
It has been a strange week for our family. John has had many overtime days, the littlest bean came down with roseola, Nina has been the sassiest ever (most likely due to lack of attention) and I am just plain sleep-deprived. More importantly though, and on a much sadder note...our neighbor across the street passed away. We did not know him very well; just a wave when we were outside or a chat about the weather, but his passing has left a mark. John was his primary nurse in the ER, even though he had passed before he got there. They still tried. I got a call from John that evening sharing the news after a long day missing Bend, flustered with myself and children and school lotteries and life choices. It was a sad reminder that none of these worries mean a thing if you are not alive to worry about them. Bill died of a sudden, massive heart attack. He was 59.
That night, our first snow fell in Kingman. Big chunky flakes coated the cactus in our yard and softened the sadness and unexpectedness of death so close to home. The snow helped me explain to my four year old that the man across the street had died...offering a gentle story about snowflakes and heaven and not waking up. It was the first time I had ever talked about death with Nina, and it was a very meaningful conversation, yet in that moment all I could think was...am I doing this right?
I am in month six of being a stay-at-home mom, and this thought crosses my mind and heart on a daily basis. Am I giving my children what they need? Am I adequately fulfilling this amazing task of mothering that I have been so carefully handed...or am I just so consistently screwing it up that my poor daughters will not know the difference? Worry and anxiety are parts of my nature that have seemed to intensify as the years go by. I constantly assess what I am doing, how I am doing it and what I can do differently. It is exhausting and not very healthy.
As 2013 begins and the Year of the Snake is upon us, I want to change this. Bill's death, for whatever reason, was an aha moment, a face-slap moment: "I could be dead in an instant...gone forever." In the past ten days, I have been feverishly researching...reading bits of wisdom from other bloggers, checking out inspirational books from the library and starting to prepare for a fundamental shift in the way that I live and act. I want to stop worrying and start really fully living. Living with purpose. Being awake. Showing gratitude for each day. Nurturing relationships and taking time to love. I don't want to second-guess myself anymore.
So...with this in mind, Happy Hearts Day. May the love I have in my heart be strong enough and transformative enough to spark the internal change that I seek. May Bill's heart rest in peace and may peace be with his family. May love and gratitude be yours EVERYDAY.
My Three Valentines
