elsa gray

Today, the 16th of September, marks one year since the day that we found out our sweet Elsa was on the way. She is now nearly 16 weeks old! My oh my...the time does fly! A few years back, humbled and stymied and stuck in a rut in Bend, I never could have imagined the path that our little family has taken over the past year. My last entry spoke to "the sustenance of us"; it was all I could do to just to maintain last year as we tumbled through life in Flag. Yet now that the storm of that year has cleared...hear we are, and we are okay. Thanks in part to Miss Elsa Gray. So here is the story of her birth...mostly written for her mama to remember and also to honor this special little bean that chose us to be her family.

For Elsa (written 6/8/12) - The thing that I will always remember about waiting for you to arrive, is the flowers. They started to appear in early May with beautiful BIG blossoms on the fruit trees of Flagstaff. Then came the lilacs, as they always do in our life...purple, white and pink. Next to arrive were the irises - just outside our bedroom in this tiny purple house that we brought you home to. Lilacs and irises have followed us from home to home and they bloomed to welcome you! The last flower to bloom before you came into our world, was the rose - brilliant and bright, climbing up the stone wall of our house - life and beauty to warm and soften our dry, high desert existence. Just like you, sweet Elsa, have softened our lives as we enter one of the most stressful times that our family has had to endure...you are truly our shining, soft light at the end of a crazy tunnel!

As we waited for you, the days kept accumulating! Gigi arrived for Daddy's graduation on May 10th and I truly believed that you would arrive just a few days later. On the 17th, we hastily made a cast of my belly, as we did with Nina, ceremoniously expecting your arrival the next day on the 18th. Ha! You would have none of that. You were SO not ready to leave the womb and so we waited...and waited. Your Gigi was such a trooper. She stayed for three weeks before you decided to make an entrance! On Tuesday, May 29th we went to see the doctor...I was a week overdue and EVERYONE was getting nervous about your size! Yet you made no sign of wanting out. With fears of you having shoulder dystocia like your big sis we were guided against our better judgement into an induction. Blah! We went in on the morning of the 30th with tears in our eyes. I did not want to take any chance in harming you, but at the same time I was fundamentally against it...I will never forget that. Yet once we got there and things got started my fear and frustration turned to excitement knowing that you would be here soon.  We worked all day to help you come out and in the end it was to no avail! You were just not ready and we couldn't force you...even with drugs! So at 10:00 pm and 5cm we called it quits and went to bed...mommy got to have you in my belly for one more night. :) I meditated on you that night and rested and wished for you to arrive the next day...the last day in May.  This calmed me and we woke to a change in attitude, blue skies and an air of positivity with which to hopefully welcome you.  We started again and I focused all of my energy on you. I labored throughout the morning and afternoon with Daddy and Gigi by my side. At 3:30 my water was broken and after that things moved quickly. Everything was SO intense...a completely different experience than birthing your sis. You were headstrong my dear...literally! They called in the whole team to assist as we all thought you might be HUGE, but instead you were perfect. Two pushes and your 9 lb. 7 oz. self slid into the world. I held you to me and spoke your beautiful name - Elsa -for the first time! You were dark haired and looked a little bit like Nina, but different...your own little soul. Daddy stood to one side and Gigi to the other...and they each held you and loved you. After that long, long wait we were ALL so happy to meet you...our little May flower.

Sustinere

Strange as it may seem, and mostly due to my growing belly, I have been blogging quite a bit...in my mind...as I lay restless in bed at 3 or 4 in the morning. I always intend to post these thoughts, especially because they seem so very compelling at that hour of the morning, but alas the first two weeks of the year have gone by and I continue to just mind-blog in order to get back to sleep. :) The days as they always seem to ...ARE FLYING BY! I was thankful to say goodbye to 2011 and am genuinely excited and ready for all that is to come in this new year. January 3rd brought with it an ultrasound of the newest bean and the reality of our pending life change, as well as an impetus to change the title of this blog. I can no longer just "blog Nina" and it seems that this is really MY venting place, so it should be renamed appropriately! :) A friend of mine in Bend chose a word to start her year, and I can appreciate the meaning behind it.  I too feel that I must define this year with a name...as it seems to be full of promise and change. And so...a name has hatched out of pleasant memory and solid meaning ...sustinere. I love this word. It just rolls off of your tongue. It is both structural and soulful at the same time. In short definition it means to "hold up", "endure" or "sustain". As of late, this completely defines my presence on this earth, and I suppose that of most mothers/women everywhere. It is our daily joy/burden/love/ache to endure that which we are given and sustain ourselves and our families no matter where we are or what we face. This is not meant to be negative, rather life affirming and powerful, as there is a strength and a beauty associated with sustaining humanity.  Anyhow, I came across this word many years ago on a jaunt to the Methow Valley ( one of my secret favorite places). It was the name of their local magazine/journal and I picked it up on a free stand in a coffee shop. Inside the natural paper pages were simple drawings of homemade compost bins, watercolors of families in the community and colored pencil sketches of green-built structures in the North Cascades. It was this little slice of heaven in a community publication, and I have held onto it ever since. I always come across it when I am sorting through journals and scraps of saved papers and pictures from previous years...I do this every January...and this year I thought that I would shamefully steal the title for my own family and self.
So here we go...our little family of nearly four is starting out the year in much the same fashion that we started out last year. We have no idea where we will be in six months! :) John starts his third and final semester on Tuesday and my job will most likely end March 1st. We are hoping he can slide into a new grad position at St. Charles and return to Bend...but based on their current hiring this does not look promising. So...we are considering extending the adventure and looking at new places to live/explore while he "gains experience". We shall see... In any event it makes life anything but dull and we are committing ourselves to give in to the unknown and just enjoy our time and space here in Flag.  Today we are off to the Grand Canyon for Free National Parks Day...and a little road trip. Looking forward to a picnic by the rim, scaling the stairs at the Watchtower and a beautiful day hike in our 50 degree January weather. This is what will sustain us today...and build memories of our time here in Arizona.