It Is the Best of Times...It is the Worst of Times

 Hiking at the Pit

 Evening bike ride through campus with the SF peaks in the background

 Fall hike on Humphreys

 Butterfly in front of our fireplace (only heat source for our funky lil house)

Mama and Nina in search of WATER... a small pond on Schultz pass

It has been a little over four months since we landed here among this small slice of juniper, pine and aspen trees in Northern Arizona. So similar to Bend...yet so amazingly (and refreshingly) different. In June as I left our home of some ten years I was looking forward to a change...ready for adventure, and possibly ready to reinvent myself as well as my family.  I had hopes of embarking on some beautifully documented year-long project, but alas just staying afloat has been the project. :) We did embark on a nine month project I suppose as we are quickly headed into the world of parenting two little beings rather than one. So...the adventure is there, but not in the exotically exciting form that I had imagined. John, Nina and I live in a little stone house with purple exterior paint on the southside of this old, funky, trying to be hip little mountain train town. Our neighbors span the spectrum from the tamale lady who visits our screen door every now and then selling her yumminess to the drunk bum that sometimes shares our recycling to the car smasher to the neighborhood skunk to the beautiful gospel singing women that occupy the church across the street. We are blessed with a diversity of cultures that we didn't have in Bend and for that I am awoken and alive...
Each day we each go our respective ways...John to his demanding coursework at our large hospital/trauma center at the top of San Francisco street...he rides his bike most days unless its snowing. I to my little Head Start world where each child brings out a part in me that I never knew I possessed. And Nina...sweet Nina goes to her beloved co-op...at the local art magnet school. She comes home speaking of riparian zones and watercolor techniques! It is a strange transient place that we have plunked down into, as so many people and students come and go here...but we are trying to carve out a place for ourselves in the community. I always feared "being seen" in Bend, as each public event brought about meetings and greetings by the dozen...yet I miss it now. We went to an event downtown last week and didn't know a single soul! We reflect on Bend quite a bit these days...the best of it and the worst of it and wonder if we will indeed get back to it as soon as we had intended to???  If anything, four months in Flag has made us appreciate how well we have lived and how fortunate we have been for the past ten years.  It has also made us realize how many other wonderful places are out there and how easy it is to get stuck in a rut if life is easy...we needed this challenge in order to better appreciate each other, our family and our selves. We have six moths left until John graduates...exactly...it will be May 11. I do not know what those months will bring, but it is with hope and gratitude that I wish to seize them and learn from them, as I find out what this experience is truly meant to teach us. Oh and I desperately, desperately miss the Deschutes...I hope that my Bend friends are thankful EVERY day for our river and water!

The Memory Ward(en)

As we tumble our way slowly south, the weeks and days are fading into each other. I am careful to check my calendar to make sure that it is in fact Saturday, as I have fallen into a lazy mode waiting for my life in Arizona to unfold. We are not there yet, as we have graciously been offered room and board by my parents until a dog-friendly abode can be secured. Changes in plans always seem to occur at the worst possible time...and yet there is always a reason behind them. This one I will choose to be for the better, as I am relishing time spent among family and the support that they offer to the bean. And so I accept the feelings of not knowing, because I am okay with the making of memories. Each day that we spend in my parents' homes we are making memories. Whether they are as simple and powerful as the sensory memories that lake water and lavender will later evoke in my daughter or as healing as returning to Three Springs after the burglary...all will be important.  New memories of kayaks and carsickness will bring humor as we continue on, but the wounds of the screen that is still broken here in San Jose and the momentary fears as we set an alarm that we have never set in the 25 years we have occupied this space, will be etched on our hearts for awhile.  As strange as it may seem,  as I write this I am thankful that the things that were taken here were just things. The people who broke into this house did not take the smell of the honeysuckle near the garage, they did not take the photos of generations of family that line the staircase, nor did they erase the pencil heights lovingly recorded inside the pantry door. These are the "things" that are home, and they have not been stolen. For this I am eternally grateful. As I walk around this house I realize how many "things" that are valuable to us are not mere possessions...they are memory producers...and we have become the memory wardens, their protectors. We will hold them in our minds no matter what happens to this home, this stuff. They are permanent.

Lately, I also feel grateful and lucky for the ability to still make memories. The past four days have woven together some interesting life realizations between my own experiences and John's in Flag. We are living these completely separate lives, yet the crossing of events keeps us connected...as much as possible.  Wednesday was my grandmother's 85th birthday...she is slowly losing her ability to make memories as the dementia worsens and creeps in on all of us. We accept it, yet wonder how something so devastating can take over so fully. We have become the memory reminders. John too...as he attends his clinical in the memory ward at the assisted living facility has become a memory reminder and a caregiver to repetition.  Through it all we must protect and care for this great life and these moments that turn into our experiences and essentially our memories of this short short time that we have. I am so thankful for my family, my health and my ability to remember. No matter what the past may remind us of...it is what has shaped us thus far, and made us who we are. I am looking forward to arriving in Flag and to the making of new memories with my family.

It Takes A Village

They say that it takes a village to raise a child and I wholeheartedly agree.  It also appears that in our case, it takes a village to properly finish household projects. :) Last summer, over beer, John and I decided that it would be great to carve out a little space next to the sandbox for Nina to play and for us to sit and ponder our days away. John lovingly dug and dug...but alas fall came and the checkbook was bare. No wall or patio ...yet. This past weekend, spurred by our imminent move and fear of liability to renters, he and our awesome friend of a friend and professional, Brian, knocked out patio and wall in a matter of hours.  The finished product is a place that I would love to be able to love and soften all summer. My instant thoughts went to what little trees and plants and vines I could surround the stone with. Butterfly bush ad maples, daisies and black-eyed susans leaning over to catch the late sun as my daughter's sandy feet dangle. Mmmm... Alas, I will have to wait, as this space will not be ours again until next year. And so it sinks in that I will not be here to plant my garden, tend my chickens or prune the lilacs next year...and yet it is okay. Leaving is actually making me appreciate how simple and good our little life here has been. I am so thankful for this time and this space that we have made.  We are called to more important endeavors than building a fence or adopting worms from a neighbor, and I must honor that. Most importantly I must honor that I am needed elsewhere...to be a support to others rather than just a lazy schoolteacher looking forward to summer days.  I am needed as a daughter and a wife and a mother right now.  It is in that giving that I will grow while I am away, just as my garden will grow while I am away. Please keep my mom in your thoughts this week...

Red Flag - Our Year Ahead

I think that I could be a real, true-blue blogger if I only had to post once every six months. It is hard to be diligent about sharing information with others, when one doesn't have a clue themselves as to what is going on in their own life!  As a family, we have been living in a world of uncertainty for many years now. Job changes, parenting, housing struggles, etc.  As of late, I feel like our life has been in this cruel holding pattern of sorts as John has painstakingly finished each of the pre-reqs needed for nursing school. As he applied, our questioning intensified, and yet still no answers to the... Where will we go's? When will we go's? and ultimately the WILL WE GO?  So...as February approached and the thought of all our work and waiting being for naught, we courageously headed down to Flagstaff, Arizona to meet our fate head on. We found out the second morning there that we had chosen wisely, as John was told in person that he had in fact gotten in to NAU's program. Thank f#$%ing goodness! (sorry Aunt Mary) It was both unreal and then dreadfully, earth shatteringly REAL all at the same time. We have wanted out of this life, this job and this stagnancy for so long, and now...oh my...we got what we wanted. The overwhelming sense that change is imminent and that in this case it has the potential to be a very good thing has only now really sunk in as we are amidst moving boxes, letters of resignation and leaves of absences. And so we are off to Flagstaff, AZ for one year.  A year of hard work. A year of simplicity. A year of change. A year of soul searching. A year of adventure. This trip is a red flag for us in many regards.  We have not been living well in Bend. By that I do not mean that we do not have the means to live well, I mean that we have much, but choose to not be thankful for it and celebrate it. It has become hard to live within the confines of the expectations that we have placed on this place. I hope that we can go away and come home with a renewed sense of appreciation for Bend and for our life here. I hope that we can survive this 10 year itch and come home to a place that we still want to call HOME.  I am ultimately hopeful for this, but there is also a very profound reason that this "itch" MUST be scratched or we will GO INSANE! We are all in need of a little adventure, and a little test to our belief in ourselves to do great things. I think that the realities of life have stripped us of a bit of our spirit and I hope that we can regain that with a better sense of who we are, of our marriage and of our important roles as both parents and citizens of this world. Life can get so dark sometimes...but we must be able to see that there is HOPE and that new leaves can be turned over. I am viewing this time as our time to turn over that leaf...and hopefully not be swallowed up by whatever is underneath. I believe in John and I want him to be happy in his career. And so we go...I am devastated to leave my school, but change is good for us all.  I have needed something more for awhile now. I just need to work hard to recognize what that is. Some may say that we are complete idiots to leave jobs and health insurance and 5 minute commutes...but to what avail? We probably are quite stupid...but we have to look ahead too. There is no way that we can keep doing what we've been doing without shriveling up into a comatose existence.  We have to fight for MORE than this.  For our sake and for Nina's sake. Nina is AMAZING and resilient. She is the light...in so many ways. More than I could ever express on this silly blog. Anyway, we are off to Flagstaff...and are thankful to all of our friends and family for their support and  hours of advice and listening...even after being asked the same questions over and over again. We will miss you but be only as far away as you want us to be. Six weeks for John and two months for me until we are officially Arizonans for the next year. We are scared and excited...let the packing begin!